My dear friends, today I find myself in a questioning mode. With nothing by my side than a simple bottle of water (and maybe pizza ahahaha), I decided to come here and write about this fear of mine that's been haunting me for some time now. First of all, I don't want to say I'm deciding to get married soon, or move soon, or anything like that, the questions and analyses that I'm about to make are just random thoughts that I had while having a nervous epiphany, for the lack of a better word. I was there taking a shower, and the sudden question popped into my mind "What Else?"
Now, I've been trying to shake this question out of my head. You see, since I'm studying abroad, there's a ticking clock counting down the days of these three years. It might seem like a long time for some, but then again I thought about the same thing about highschool, and here I am now, in the University. What am I going to do next with a writing degree? Sometimes I think my father was right, I should take another degree, you now, something fancy like journalism. People would ask me "What do you do for a living?" and I would answer with my fancy and super intelligent mode (you know wearing the glasses and all) "I'm a journalist. I work for News Today." Sounds so much better then "I'm a blogger, and I'm currently working to get my book published" when in the end, I don't even have a actual book, just some pages full of ideas.
I can even listen to myself in the early stages of my life, looking at me with disappointment and rolling their eyes at the person that I am today:
5 Year Old Me: You're a writer? No! You are supposed to be a princess! Like Ariel! And swim in the ocean like a real mermaid! You don't even have her hair!
Nowadays Me: I know, I'm sorry! I don't really know if you can study to be Ariel in the real world, but I'm sorry, I do like to swim though!
7 Year Old Me: You're supposed to be a doctor! I wanted to save babies!
Nowadays Me: I know, I'm so sorry, I wanted to save babies to but it's really difficult to...
10 Year Old Me: No it's not! You're supposed to be studying dolphins! I wanted to study dolphins remember? DOLPHINS ARE CUTE!
Nowadays Me: I still agree with that! Dolphins are awesome! They fight with sharks and they are really nice...
15 Year Old Me: Are you serious right now? Aren't you supposed to be a rockstar? I mean I have guitar lessons for what? Are you kidding me? How pathetic and uncharacteristically me are you?
Nowadays Me: Uh that's a big word! I'm proud of you, even though you are kinda of emo and you don't really like the world right now ..
This is what I have to put up with. And then there's the pressure from the people around you. Its not really their fault, they don't even know they're doing it. Like when my father or my grand mother ask me "So, do you have a boyfriend yet?" That's when you have to smile and answer "Haven't found him yet!", and of course ignore that pang on your heart. That doesn't mean however, that I'm not having fun. In fact I have. I have been having some fun, but nothing serious. Not that I don't want to have a boyfriend, I really can't wait to meet him, but for now, I just haven't met him yet. That's all folks!
There's just this huge pressure coming from that non-stopping ticking clock that just shows us how time keeps passing by, and how the little things that you enjoy about life now, will be taken away in the future. I mean when are going to see those Disney movies again? When are going to read a good childish book like Harry Potter just for the fun of it? Those things are replaced by a single question: What are you going to do next?
What am I going to do next. The expectable? Finish my course, get married, have a couple of children, buy my own house, my car, have a job... you know monotony. The more time passes by, the more I feel unprepared to have that life. If you ask the 5 Year Old Me, if she wanted to be married, she would say:
5 Year Old : Yes, I'm going to be married when I'm twenty, with a guy like my ken doll, he's a surfer!!!
Things don't really work like that, don't work like our 5 Year Old Disney stories. I wish they did, not the married part though. Right now, I don't want to be married at all. Marriage actually scares me more than having to move to a different country all by myself. The future itself scares me more then, I don't know, then death?
And so the question keeps ringing in my ears... What else Maria?
domingo, 23 de janeiro de 2011
sábado, 22 de janeiro de 2011
Friday Night Out
I'm going to try to write something different here, I'm going to try not to make this blog about food, since my two last posts were about that, making me sound ... not the way I wanted to sound. The problem though, as being a blogger, and having my parents reading my posts, the subjects that I want to write need a slightly change. So for my own sake, because even though I live in another country, I can still listen to my parents lecturing me thanks to the internet, so I'm going to change a few words on this post.
Girls need desperately a "girls night out". Guys, don't really tend to understand why... But the main reason is, we need to get away from the male specie, and interact with our own... And we need to say bad things about the male specie. I mean, c'mon you're far from perfect, and we know you guys also say bad things about us. So, yes, we have girls night out. Dancing all night, having simple, and pure, fun. I need it so badly sometimes that I don't think my friends even now how much I love them for taking me out. Yesterday, was one of those days. I woke up with a strange feeling of depression.
Unfortunately, when you are a female and as soon as you hit puberty, the mood swings are very, very common. That doesn't mean that I like to have them, and even though I should be used to them by now, well I am not. I hate mood swings. I hate waking up and taking that day as a bad day no matter what happens. The sun might be shining, the birds might be singing, and I am in my room with the curtains closed watching Titanic.
Not yesterday, I was not going to let this haze of depression fall on my shoulders. So, I went shopping with one of my friends, because that's one way to cure depression for me, and I went shopping for make up, which its like stepping into heaven if you will. I was also trying to ignore that dark cloud of depression because it was Friday Night.
Friday Night, means, in good girlish english, going out with your friends. I was really excited, it has been a long time since I haven't gone out with my friends since before Christmas. Obviously, I could not wait any longer.
As soon as I went down to my friend's room to get ready, I felt so happy. We put our make up on, we got ready, and we hit the road.
Even though we always dance to the same songs, I don't think this night never gets old. It became, at least for me, like my personal therapist. I love dancing, not that professional type of dance, but just dancing to the beat and the lights. And it's always fun to see those crazy fellas dancing like robots on "funny pills". After a couple of glasses of "orange juice" I was having the time of my life. I needed it so badly.
When you start this journey of moving to another place, sometimes you can't help but miss everyone you had back home. And when my "depression" hits it's always because I'm missing my family. I do thank every day for the internet, it makes things so much easier. Even though skype is a headache and keeps crashing down in the middle of conversations, I still love it because at least I can still see my mother, even if it's for a few seconds.
Things are easier now, then when it was back in September when I first moved, but still sometimes you can still feel that pang of regret of leaving your family behind. Even if its for pursuing your dream and they are 100% behind your decision. I'm ok today. I am ok with the decision I made. But yesterday ... humph.
But hey, Friday Night saved me!
"That's what you get when you let your heart win" - so true.
It's all for today. See you in the next bloggity.
Girls need desperately a "girls night out". Guys, don't really tend to understand why... But the main reason is, we need to get away from the male specie, and interact with our own... And we need to say bad things about the male specie. I mean, c'mon you're far from perfect, and we know you guys also say bad things about us. So, yes, we have girls night out. Dancing all night, having simple, and pure, fun. I need it so badly sometimes that I don't think my friends even now how much I love them for taking me out. Yesterday, was one of those days. I woke up with a strange feeling of depression.
Unfortunately, when you are a female and as soon as you hit puberty, the mood swings are very, very common. That doesn't mean that I like to have them, and even though I should be used to them by now, well I am not. I hate mood swings. I hate waking up and taking that day as a bad day no matter what happens. The sun might be shining, the birds might be singing, and I am in my room with the curtains closed watching Titanic.
Not yesterday, I was not going to let this haze of depression fall on my shoulders. So, I went shopping with one of my friends, because that's one way to cure depression for me, and I went shopping for make up, which its like stepping into heaven if you will. I was also trying to ignore that dark cloud of depression because it was Friday Night.
Friday Night, means, in good girlish english, going out with your friends. I was really excited, it has been a long time since I haven't gone out with my friends since before Christmas. Obviously, I could not wait any longer.
As soon as I went down to my friend's room to get ready, I felt so happy. We put our make up on, we got ready, and we hit the road.
Even though we always dance to the same songs, I don't think this night never gets old. It became, at least for me, like my personal therapist. I love dancing, not that professional type of dance, but just dancing to the beat and the lights. And it's always fun to see those crazy fellas dancing like robots on "funny pills". After a couple of glasses of "orange juice" I was having the time of my life. I needed it so badly.
When you start this journey of moving to another place, sometimes you can't help but miss everyone you had back home. And when my "depression" hits it's always because I'm missing my family. I do thank every day for the internet, it makes things so much easier. Even though skype is a headache and keeps crashing down in the middle of conversations, I still love it because at least I can still see my mother, even if it's for a few seconds.
Things are easier now, then when it was back in September when I first moved, but still sometimes you can still feel that pang of regret of leaving your family behind. Even if its for pursuing your dream and they are 100% behind your decision. I'm ok today. I am ok with the decision I made. But yesterday ... humph.
But hey, Friday Night saved me!
"That's what you get when you let your heart win" - so true.
It's all for today. See you in the next bloggity.
terça-feira, 18 de janeiro de 2011
Oh Starbucks, the things you do to me!
So first of all, before I start to tell you my day, I'm going to say that all of this started because of a postcard. You see, I woke up, took a shower, and looked outside and saw the sun. THE SUN!! Let me tell you that, when you're living in the North of England in the middle of winter, when you see the sun you can't help yourself to almost cry of joy. Like, cry rivers of joy. No, not rivers... OCEANS!
Ok, so maybe that's a little to much, but you get the picture. So, got dressed, and I was ready to go outside. My plan was to go to the groceries to buy some random things, like eggs and soup, because I've been living on pasta and ham for the last couple of days. But then I opened my bag to see if I had money, and I saw one postcard that I bought last week with one of my friends. I was excited when I bought it because I never wrote any letters, or sent any postcards because... Well, because we have internet now, and it's easier to just call my parents on Skype. So, I had this brilliant idea: I was going to send that postcard!! Yes! What a triumph! I could see my parents receiving the postcard with tears in their eyes, all amazed by their brilliant daughter!
So, I got out of the house, to go to the post office to buy some stamps and send the postcard. Before I go any further, let me explain you how things work here where I live. I live 5 minutes away from the University, and 20 minutes away from the town (where the stores, supermarkets and of course Starbucks, are). The post office is right in front of the University, so it's a short walk. I went there, took care of the postcard, and when I came out I felt the cold winter breeze, and suddenly my awesome brain had another brilliant idea. Which resulted in a interior monologue between Myself and I.
Myself. - I had a brilliant idea.
I - What?
Myself. - You should totally go to Starbucks right now.
I - I'm listening ...
Myself. - It's a wonderful day, you've been living on pasta and ham, and you know what you should have right now? A nice tasty, delicious Hot Chocolate with CREAM.
I - Oh my God that's just the most perfect idea ever.
Myself. - I know!!
I - But I really shouldn't. I'm going to walk all the way to the town, and then I have to come up. I'm not even wearing my good boots. I'm wearing the ones that hurt my feet.
Myself. - As soon as you taste the chocolate you won't even care about your feet!
I - That's so true... Ok, let's go then.
And there I went! Like a true soldier! My mp4 blasting U2 - beautiful day, the sun shining so beautifully. Everything went smoothly like Myself told me. I walked on the street with a smile on my face. The Starbucks lady was super nice and I got my Hot Chocolate (because I don't really like coffee). And honestly, who really needs food with all the Hot Chocolate deliciousness has to offer? Not me! Oh no! I had everything I needed in my hand. Forget those eggs and soup!
But after I stepped out of Starbucks reality hit me. Like every decision in my life, there always one point where I just open my eyes and the blue sky and green grass are not like that anymore. The sky becomes gray and the grass is transformed magically in mud. I had to go all the way up to my house. I'm not kidding. It's really all the way up. Almost like climbing a mountain but not really. I tasted the chocolate, I had all the energy I needed right in my hand. I knew I could do it, I already did that loads of times before.
But slowly, everything I loved on that day, started to destroy me. My mp4 started playing depressing songs, like "you're going to dieeeee" type of songs, that I have to the days when I feel depressed. The sun started burning against the two jackets I was wearing, I was sweating like hell, I could feel my make up melting against my skin, and my hair greasing all of the sudden. And my feet, oh my poor feet were screaming in agony, I could feel them falling apart. My bag (that only had my wallet inside, because I forgot my phone and everything else was in my pockets) suddenly weighed a lot. Instead of carrying a wallet, I was carrying a bag full of stones.
I'm not even exaggerating. And the saddest thing of everything, is that when I was finally arriving home, I decided to drink my hot chocolate as a "Congratulations girl you made it to the top! Literally!" present for myself, the hot chocolate was warm. Warm, but almost cold. I wanted to cry in misery.
When I finally got home, my card didn't open the door. You need a card to enter in my building, not a key. And my card was like "AHAHAHA I'm going ruin your day like the rest of the world!!!". And there was even a guy looking at me, inside the building and he did not move a foot to help me. But a nice girl that came from the elevator opened the door. I think she was my angel. You know, like when you're dying and you start seeing angels. She was mine, and opened the door for me.
When I entered in on my room in my dorm, I lied in my bed and smiled.
Just another day in my life I guess.
Ok, so maybe that's a little to much, but you get the picture. So, got dressed, and I was ready to go outside. My plan was to go to the groceries to buy some random things, like eggs and soup, because I've been living on pasta and ham for the last couple of days. But then I opened my bag to see if I had money, and I saw one postcard that I bought last week with one of my friends. I was excited when I bought it because I never wrote any letters, or sent any postcards because... Well, because we have internet now, and it's easier to just call my parents on Skype. So, I had this brilliant idea: I was going to send that postcard!! Yes! What a triumph! I could see my parents receiving the postcard with tears in their eyes, all amazed by their brilliant daughter!
So, I got out of the house, to go to the post office to buy some stamps and send the postcard. Before I go any further, let me explain you how things work here where I live. I live 5 minutes away from the University, and 20 minutes away from the town (where the stores, supermarkets and of course Starbucks, are). The post office is right in front of the University, so it's a short walk. I went there, took care of the postcard, and when I came out I felt the cold winter breeze, and suddenly my awesome brain had another brilliant idea. Which resulted in a interior monologue between Myself and I.
Myself. - I had a brilliant idea.
I - What?
Myself. - You should totally go to Starbucks right now.
I - I'm listening ...
Myself. - It's a wonderful day, you've been living on pasta and ham, and you know what you should have right now? A nice tasty, delicious Hot Chocolate with CREAM.
I - Oh my God that's just the most perfect idea ever.
Myself. - I know!!
I - But I really shouldn't. I'm going to walk all the way to the town, and then I have to come up. I'm not even wearing my good boots. I'm wearing the ones that hurt my feet.
Myself. - As soon as you taste the chocolate you won't even care about your feet!
I - That's so true... Ok, let's go then.
And there I went! Like a true soldier! My mp4 blasting U2 - beautiful day, the sun shining so beautifully. Everything went smoothly like Myself told me. I walked on the street with a smile on my face. The Starbucks lady was super nice and I got my Hot Chocolate (because I don't really like coffee). And honestly, who really needs food with all the Hot Chocolate deliciousness has to offer? Not me! Oh no! I had everything I needed in my hand. Forget those eggs and soup!
But after I stepped out of Starbucks reality hit me. Like every decision in my life, there always one point where I just open my eyes and the blue sky and green grass are not like that anymore. The sky becomes gray and the grass is transformed magically in mud. I had to go all the way up to my house. I'm not kidding. It's really all the way up. Almost like climbing a mountain but not really. I tasted the chocolate, I had all the energy I needed right in my hand. I knew I could do it, I already did that loads of times before.
But slowly, everything I loved on that day, started to destroy me. My mp4 started playing depressing songs, like "you're going to dieeeee" type of songs, that I have to the days when I feel depressed. The sun started burning against the two jackets I was wearing, I was sweating like hell, I could feel my make up melting against my skin, and my hair greasing all of the sudden. And my feet, oh my poor feet were screaming in agony, I could feel them falling apart. My bag (that only had my wallet inside, because I forgot my phone and everything else was in my pockets) suddenly weighed a lot. Instead of carrying a wallet, I was carrying a bag full of stones.
I'm not even exaggerating. And the saddest thing of everything, is that when I was finally arriving home, I decided to drink my hot chocolate as a "Congratulations girl you made it to the top! Literally!" present for myself, the hot chocolate was warm. Warm, but almost cold. I wanted to cry in misery.
When I finally got home, my card didn't open the door. You need a card to enter in my building, not a key. And my card was like "AHAHAHA I'm going ruin your day like the rest of the world!!!". And there was even a guy looking at me, inside the building and he did not move a foot to help me. But a nice girl that came from the elevator opened the door. I think she was my angel. You know, like when you're dying and you start seeing angels. She was mine, and opened the door for me.
When I entered in on my room in my dorm, I lied in my bed and smiled.
Just another day in my life I guess.
domingo, 16 de janeiro de 2011
Introduction
It's never a good sign when it's midnight and your eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream staring at your laptop screen thinking "My future is here". My hands keep typing and brain says to me "Yes! This is it! This is your turning point! This is where your going to change your life!!". Thanks brain. Oh if life was so easy like that, I wouldn't need Ben and Jerry's ice cream to actually type this. You see, I always thought when I grow up, I'll be a terrific writer, I'll write the next Harry Potter, I'll be loved and adored, and I'll have movies and whatnot...
These thoughts, I had when I was ten, and I was coming out from the movies, after seeing my first Harry Potter. The thing is as years went by, and I'm now at the University, I realize that maybe, and just maybe, things are not that black and white. First of all, even though I am in a Writing Course, I have to admit that all my colleagues are way better then me. And it's just not one of them, no, they all are incredible genius. I mean every single time that I read one of their pieces, I feel a stab in my heart. A talking stab by the way... That says "AHAHA YOU FAIL AT LIFE" and stabs.
So I'm going to start a blog, because well, because I can. And it's free... And... And yeah.
I'm not expecting that something big will come out of this, because I do tend to be incredibly pessimist with my own projects, but hey, what doesn't kill you right?
So ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Lifestyle of the Young and Confused. The name is self explanatory, I think, it's about me, a girl, that's leading a confused lifestyle... And maybe the part that I'm young will defend me from my own mistakes... Because I do make a lot of them ... And then I explain them by saying "Hey, I'm only young! I make mistakes and I'm partially stupid!"
Oh yes and I do have a name, my name is Maria. And I apologize in advance for not having a sophisticated way of writing, but I'm not english. Not that this explains it, but I don't have a big reason to explain it anyway. And probably nobody will even read this ...
So, sit back, bring on your popcorn and enjoy the ride through a troublesome university student's mind.
These thoughts, I had when I was ten, and I was coming out from the movies, after seeing my first Harry Potter. The thing is as years went by, and I'm now at the University, I realize that maybe, and just maybe, things are not that black and white. First of all, even though I am in a Writing Course, I have to admit that all my colleagues are way better then me. And it's just not one of them, no, they all are incredible genius. I mean every single time that I read one of their pieces, I feel a stab in my heart. A talking stab by the way... That says "AHAHA YOU FAIL AT LIFE" and stabs.
So I'm going to start a blog, because well, because I can. And it's free... And... And yeah.
I'm not expecting that something big will come out of this, because I do tend to be incredibly pessimist with my own projects, but hey, what doesn't kill you right?
So ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Lifestyle of the Young and Confused. The name is self explanatory, I think, it's about me, a girl, that's leading a confused lifestyle... And maybe the part that I'm young will defend me from my own mistakes... Because I do make a lot of them ... And then I explain them by saying "Hey, I'm only young! I make mistakes and I'm partially stupid!"
Oh yes and I do have a name, my name is Maria. And I apologize in advance for not having a sophisticated way of writing, but I'm not english. Not that this explains it, but I don't have a big reason to explain it anyway. And probably nobody will even read this ...
So, sit back, bring on your popcorn and enjoy the ride through a troublesome university student's mind.
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