quinta-feira, 1 de novembro de 2012

I'm back. For good. I think...

 If you're a writer and you plan to write your whole life sometimes there are some certain moments when you might feel a little lost. I was going through that moment and to be honest I don't really know how to get through it, yet. There are so many good writers in this world so many incredible stories and unbelievable tales that I can't help but wonder, am I good enough? Is it good enough to write some freelance blog that a few people read and not a epic-Lord of the Rings-movie-quality-novel-that-makes-teenagers-scream-in-agony-when-they-finish-because-their-lifes-are-over novel?
 Well, after all this time I finally made a decision: I. don't. care.
 That's right. I said it, I'm open about it, no fear of judgement. Maybe a little, but it's cool.
 As soon as I set myself free from this pressure of being as good as other writers I felt free. I will never be Mark Twain or Salinger and my name will never be up there with them. But at least I can set free some of my demons and write about my little insignificant adventures. Because to me, they mean the world. Ok not the world but they mean Something. With capital "S".

 So, after all this time, I don't think I have a lot to tell. I'm finally on my last year at Uni. Woop woop! Made amazing new friends, bought some fabulous new dresses and ate a few slices of cheesecake that I shouldn't have. Either way, so far I cannot say I regret it. (Maybe a few things, some posts about that will follow soon)
 The thing is, I spend so much time thinking about what I did wrong and how I don't want to do it again, that I forget to keep on walking. I have a tendency to "stop in time" and think about minor things over and over. You might even read about a few of them in my blog a few entries back. What stopped me from actually start writing again was that sometimes I felt like what I had to say was not really blog worthy. It was not witty and fun enough, it was not really worth a full post about it.

 But then again. It is MY blog. So I'm going to try to keep up to the challenge of actually doing this for my own sake and entertainment. Because honestly without wiritng, I feel like I go insane. Hope you like the adventures of this last year in Bradford.

 It will be a good year. I can feel it.

 And now some music:

sábado, 12 de março de 2011

Start all Over.

  First of all, I want to apologize for the fact that I haven't written anything for a while (yes almost a month, don't frown at me), however I've been a little busy. I went back home, and I decided to take that time to enjoy being with the family and friends. Now that I'm back I don't really have an excuse not to write, so here we go.
  Like every single post on this blog, this all started to a little trip to the groceries. I always find myself thinking as soon as I go out the front door about something completely... philosophic, if you will. It's generally about life, or what I found about life. I think sometimes I spend so much time thinking about everything, that I forget to live it really, but that's a whole other post. This one is about Starting all Over.

 I think I'm blessed, when it comes to having a change of heart, because every decision I made so far was supported by my parents and friends. Well, except when I changed schools, my parents weren't really happy about that, or when I decided to move to another country, their level of excitement wasn't very high either. However, they always let me go, and do what I want. I discovered today, that often, I prefer to change my life, than to face it. I've done it three times so far, and even though there's always the happy stage of "YES! This is different!!!" As soon as stability takes over I'm like: "No, I need to change. I can't deal with this." Don't get me wrong though, I don't think at this stage I've found stability yet, but I'm already deciding different options of change. Different uni, different country, different life.

 Yesterday, I saw the new episode of Skins (Oh I can hear the judgement already! All the sighs and frowns once again!). Where this character, Grace, also faces with change. But, while I want to change, she wanted to remain the same. I think she described me (when she was describing her ) perfectly. "I'm a story." There. Three little words. I'm someone that's been briefly in someone's life and then I disappeared. I can't count all the people I once called best friend, all the people that I went out at night to clubs to have fun, they were the first people I would call. The boys I liked that I haven't spoken also for years. I also changed personality, I've been a reggae girl, a emo girl, a rock girl, hip hop girl, you name it. My room changed thousands of times, from dolls, to posters, to nothing, just white.

  Which brings me to the question, is this growing up? Or is this a pattern? Will I be one of those people who needs constant change in my life in order to be happy? And there's always the contradiction, even though I don't like that people leave my life, I seem to be always the one leaving first. And I don't know why.

 I guess its something that I need to think about. Either way, life will go on, here, there, everywhere.

  P.S - I had to leave this song here :) I'm obsessed.

sábado, 12 de fevereiro de 2011

Valentines Night Out.

So I went to the Valentines Traffic Light party yesterday, and of course I was ready for having fun. The thing is, every time I go out clubbing, I can't help but think "Is this really how I want to meet my future Valentine?" The answer is no. No, I don't, I want to meet him in a book store, or HMV, but never when we're going out clubbing. However, I can't really predict this things and I know everything is possible.

 I've got to say this though, yesterday I did have fun, until, I saw Blondie.

 You see, every time I go into a school, I already know the boys I won't EVER have, but I do like to look, because looking never killed anybody, and yesterday Blondie was in fact terrific. Oh Blondie, so beautiful, I was trying not to droll, until one of my friends said:

  - Him? I know him!!

 Apparently my friends know all the guys I'm falling head over hills with, and they never TELL me! So of course I was marvelled, and after a request from my friend, he came to dance KINDA BUT NOT REALLY beside me! Until this girl, who was wearing a backpack, at the club, appeared and he went to her, and started talking to her. My mouth fell to the floor. I was all dolled up, and he went to talk with the girl who was wearing jeans and a shirt, with a backpack on her back.
  Even though I said to my friend, what I promised on this blog I wouldn't say any more "He's too much for me" suddenly I started to question myself, until I decided as soon as I got home "I don't care about him any more." and I really don't. Even though he is gorgeous, and plays football, and is totally my dream man, I DON'T CARE.

 Maybe I should really try with the book store hottie. I don't know, I'm not meant to do this things, really. I'm not really the type of person who succeeds every time she tries something with a guy, mainly because I get to nervous, and I ruin things before they even start. Whatever will be, will be I guess. 

 But I'll leave you with a wonderful song, so you don't get all depressed and thinking "Awh, poor girl"
  Have a nice weekend!

quinta-feira, 3 de fevereiro de 2011

City of Blinding lights baby!

  Hello to you all! I'm exhausted today, I know I shouldn't complain of my University's schedule because its really good, but three hours of Modernism and Post Modernism sometimes just drain all your energy. However there's always a few moments in the day where you still feel that you should smile.
  Today, I had one of those moments.

  With Valentine's Day approaching, me being a single girl, that day is always the last thing I want to hear. And even though, I did find somethings to occupy my time, sometimes I can't help it to feel that little pang that still wishes I had someone to share this day with. Don't get me wrong though. This only happens SOMETIMES, and I did find a awesome way of spending my day.

  However, this always gets me back to the same subject: love.

  Today as I was walking with my friend Kate, and we passed by this handsome guy who I've been meeting always in the most random places. I didn't know his name, but because we always seem to meet each other, we just say "Hi" and smile awkwardly. But since I wasn't alone when I met him today, I couldn't help but turn to Kate and say.

  - Oh God, he's so cute!

  Kate looked at me in a funny way.

Kate: Who?
  Me: That guy that just passed by and said hello. Oh God... You know, I've been meeting him since the first day I came here, and I don't even know his name...
 Kate: That guy? I know him!

  And then she proceeded to tell me what she knew. But the first thought that came to my mind was "Oh... I wish I could fall in love with him." And this was when my brilliant mind decided to wander, in my passed love life, and in all the mistakes I've made so far. The thing is, even though I wish I could fall in love with one person, I always end up falling in love with another one that's completely wrong for me. Always. No exception so far.  I end up always wondering what it would be like, to actually fall in love with someone that you choose. But, like some of my friends that doesn't happen, and I gathered a few interesting facts for that matter.

  The first one being: "He's too good for me." . This is a sentence that I've been saying since I first learned what love is, and I listen to my friends constantly saying in random conversations about boys "He's too good for me.". And I couldn't help but wonder, where did this thought even began? I have friends, that are so beautiful, so talented, so wonderful, and they're always saying that they can't fall in love with a certain boy, because he'll never look at them, "He's too good.". And today, I found myself, as I pressed the lift button to my floor, saying the same exactly thing. I hate that I always do that, I'm a victim of my self-esteem. I'm a victim of thinking that they are always too good for me, and somehow I'm never good enough.

 I opened my door and I thought "Fuck it, never going to happen.". But why not?

 So for this Valentine's Day, not only I hope to go out, but I'm also going to change my way of thinking. After today, I'M also good. Because, well, I kinda am, in my own way. And I think all my friends, all those single ladies out there, should think the same way too. Every single one of them ARE better then the boys they have in mind, they truly are.

  Because in the words of Mr Bono: "Oh you look so beautiful tonight!"

domingo, 30 de janeiro de 2011

Will you John Cusack?

Today this is going to get a bit personal. I wasn't planning on writing this weekend, however, this black cloud has been on my head the whole weekend and I find myself mad at me. Me and one friend of mine, were talking this week, because of a guy. And then she said the magic words:

 Friend: You know? I'm so tired. I'm tired to always be the girl that guys like but they don't like to show it. Like I have to be hidden all the time. I'm so tired.

 And I only said: "I know.". But the truth is, this really affected me for the simple reason that, what's happening to her now, has been the story of my life. And often I find myself feeling guilty for letting myself even be on that position. I always heard that love is bigger than everything else, you see it on TV often on films, you listen it often on songs, but I always have to question: What exactly is love?

 I've been in this love roller-coaster a few years now, and somehow, I always find myself stuck on the same story, the difference is that the prince is not the same. Maybe its me, I'm the one who always picks that guy that is too afraid to admit his feelings for me to his friends, to my friends, and so we have to keep it a secret. At first I honestly had nothing to say, until things became unbearable. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do the same ever again, but then the next one comes and the story repeats, and repeats. Like my friend I became tired. That's why I haven't fall in love for a while now, and that's why I've been just having fun.

 I was only in love once. And when I saw how things were ending up. I did this:

I begged. I was weak. I thought I had to do everything I could, to make him love me. But then one day, and this was one of the turning points in my life, I saw one interview with the actress in this scene. Ellen Pompeo was talking to Oprah, and Oprah told her that this was one of her favourite scenes. This used to be one of my favourite scenes too, so I was anxious to see what Ellen would say. And she said, she was actually against this scene, because no woman should beg for her man to love her, if he did, he should just show it. I had the same reaction as Oprah, realization. She was right. Why do we submit ourselves to do these things for men?

 And not only that, but it's not only me and my friend on that situation, but I know other girls who are going through the same thing. And my question is: Is this it?
 Is this how love is always going to be for me?
 Won't I ever get the right to have a guy, no not a guy, a man, who actually isn't scared of holding my hand in the street? And is actually capable of calling me girlfriend?

 Either way, I know John Cusack won't ever be at my window with a bombox even though I still dream about it.

Either way, I'll just wait and see.

"Big things come for those who wait." - Is this true?

sexta-feira, 28 de janeiro de 2011

 First of all, YES, this is a new layout! Yes I know, I finally managed to be a nerd and actually create something on this blog that made it look at least a little more interesting. So yes, thanks to me - and not Google, not at all, pfffft, please... ok it was Google - this blog, ladies and gentleman,  is now "cool".

 Second of all, lets now talk about something more interesting like "Why the hell aren't I rich?" Yes. That's the question that I asked myself today at least 20 times, when I decided to walk around town in a suicidal trip to the local stores. I call this suicidal for two simple reasons. I don't have money to actually buy what I want, and I ALWAYS wish I was thinner. Yet, I still walk around town just for the sake of it, and I go to the same stores.

 A store that always kills me is, of course, Topshop. I love it, but I simply can't afford one simple piece of clothing from that store. And yet, I stood there for, at least, 20 minutes. I love so many things from that store, that if I actually was rich I would pull a Michael Jackson. You know, "Close the store, its all mine" like he used to do. I always wondered what its like to be that powerful, but honesty, I think this way is better. Yes, I said better, because in the end, if you actually think about it, you value the clothes you have, or the new clothes you just bought, a lot more.
   I used to see those shows with rich people, like cribs, and at least 80% of those celebrities had clothes that they never wore, and they were standing there, in the closet showing it to the world, smiling. I always had to turn the channel at some point, because that really annoyed me. So yes, when I actually have something from Topshop, a sweater for example, I think I'm going to wear it for years. Mark my words!
 I don't really consider myself vain or anything like that. I know my limits, I know there's more important things than clothes. But like my friend Beth says (see Beth you're in the bloooog!!!) I'm a person who likes to take care of herself.

  Me: How come?
Beth: You know, you wear make up and shit.

 And yes, I like to take care of myself. That's why, when I was coming back home my mind (here we go again) started wondering, what would I actually do to support myself when I leave the University. And no I'm not repeating myself again, bear with me please, but I thought about possibilities. We all know that in Sex and the City, Carrie simply wrote a column and yet she had money to own her own apartment, and her Manolo's. In real life, things are not that simple, well, except if you write for The Guardian or Times Magazine, then yes, I believe you can own your own apartment and the occasional Jimmy Choo's. But not when you work for the local paper, IF, I ever manage to actually write for a paper or a magazine.
 As much as I wished I could write for Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, Cosmo, Teen Vogue, Elle, I don't really see that happening. But then again I could write a best seller.  You know, since Snooki from Jersey Shore did it, why not me?
 But I don't see that happening in the near future. I do have plans. And I only shared them, with one of the most important people in my life. My Mom. The problem is, my Mom is the most amazing person in the world, part of that amazingness, is her sense of humor, somehow she's always joking. So you never really know, when she's being serious, or making fun of you because you fail at life. Sometimes it's one, sometimes the other, but when it's me, it's usually both. So, the conversation went something like this.

   Me: - Tells plans of her life -
Mom: *tries not to laugh* Huuum.
  Me: Mom? What do you think?
Mom: Hummm *tries not to speak otherwise is just going to laugh a lot*
  Me: Mom?
Mom: *laughs hysterically*
  Me: I'm serious!!!
Mom: Oh! Hum... Well, you'll be fine...

 Of course, easy for her to say, but not exactly easy in the end is it? Anyway, I'm still hopeful! And even if it's going to take a while, because I know it will, I hope in the end I can make it. I managed to do everything else didn't I?
 And when I was almost arriving home, I noticed that I got lost in my thoughts again, and my mp4 was not playing any music. So I pressed "Play" and the music "Lucky Man" started playing. And I believe, I am indeed a Lucky Woman. 

 So the question is.
 "To be rich? Or not to be rich and be happy?" But then again many people agree that "Money brings happiness." But that's another post, me thinks! Have a nice weekend!

quarta-feira, 26 de janeiro de 2011

The Adventure of Myself and I.

 Everyone has one alter ego. If you're thinking you don't have one, you're lying. Alter-ego, or at least mine, is that little voice in your head that is always talking constantly and that, as much as you try, you can't simply shut it off. I named my alter-ego Myself, seemed appropriate. I must say that over the years, I learned how to live with it, and ignore it most of the time. But other times it's just hard to ignore it. Like today.

 To describe Myself, you basically have to imagine me but 10000000x times more awesome. Basically I'm a Hollywood Actress, who sings rock songs (and I'm pretty good at it), and I'm also a legend (with no apparent reason for it). Or, if you will, the President of my own mind. So of course, as anyone on that position, not only is the voice super confident and somewhat arrogant, but also completely full of herself. That's why, most of the times I don't listen to it and I just do my own thing. I was on the way to send another postcard (this time for my grand-mother), and even though it was cold, I had my mp4 with me, and I was actually enjoying that little walk. And soon enough, Myself decided to step in.

 Myself - I'm so proud of you! All grown up, going to the post office like a true adult. Awh, I would cry if I actually cared.
          I - Right...
 Myself - Are you going to talk with the post office man? All by yourself??
          I - Yes.
 Myself - Are you sure darling? Maybe you should ask one of your friends to come with you?  You know, just in case you start stumbling on your own words?
          I - Shut up.
 Myself - Soooo mature! Such a little woman you are!
          I - Go away.

 However, her remark made me think about it for, well, a couple of hours. I really DID matured at some level. And yes, even though she made fun of me, even last year I would ask my mother to ask for a bottle a water for me when we went out to a restaurant. And you might laugh at this, but I was simply afraid of... loads of things. To be rude to the waiter without knowing it, for example. However, after I started working in a local supermarket back home, 90% of that shyness, or fear, disappeared. I had to interact with people, there was no other way to avoid it, and I must say, once I started talking I never stopped.
 But the most important thing, that to me its still a thing I can't believe I did, is that I was able to move away from my parents. And when I decided to move I made it big, not only did I changed to another house, but I changed to another country. I never expressed to my parents the fear, and the panic attacks I had every time I thought about moving. My friends always knew though, because I spent sleepless nights thinking about it and on the next day I looked worst than a zombie.
 The first night I stayed here alone. I looked at the window, and even though I was sad, I whispered "I did it. I really did it." And yet, the smallest things of this journey of independence still amaze me. One thing I discovered, is that I'm actually good SAVING money. Well, besides Christmas presents, every time I went to shop for food I manage to barely pass the 10 pounds mark, per week. Even today I went shopping for this week and I spent 11 pounds. I find it funny that now I have to actually see what's missing and what I need, instead of having my mom doing it.
 Of course I still have to improve some things like laundry, I hate doing laundry, its so boring that I feel my body melting while I'm waiting for it. Oh and vacuum my room... every time I have to do it I feel like I'm vacuum my soul too. But those are just small details I guess. I can't be perfect, can I?
 I'm glad I didn't give up of this adventure. I'm glad my parents supported and support me through the whole thing, and my friends too. And most of all, I'm glad to say:

         I - You know what Myself? I really am maturing. And I'm really going to talk with the post office guy, and I'm going to pick up some groceries, and then I'm going to cook my own dinner.
Myself - Uhhhhhhhhhh! What's for dinner??????
         I - Strogonoff...
Myself - Oh I can't wait! You know I really like it when you put a little of...

 And yes, this is how my life goes. But for once "I'm the one behind the wheel".